Latiloo's story.

L

Latiloo

Guest
I will put storys about Latiloo,I will explain some of the main ponies,

Latiloo:Latiloo is a pegasus,with a horn,she has a twin brother who has a horn and wings also.
She and her brother were orfans until their adopted mother and fauther found them,in a basket at their
cousin's home.
Latiloo dosn't know much about her parents,and dosn't know that they aren't her real parents.
Latiloo fears that one day a evil pony will
ponynap(kidnap) her.
Latiloo is also the second fastest pony in Fantasy Land.
Latiloo has some other freinds but,she thinks some of them are mysterious.


Latilow:Latilow is Latiloo's twin brother,he also has a horn and wings.
Latilow's weakness is he can damage his wings very eaisiy.
Latilow is also very curious about their parents.
Latilow is also very helpful to Latiloo,when she's
in need.


Shadow:Latiloo's best freind or even sometimes called my other ponys,boyfreind.
He has Crimson eyes,devil wings,and has red and black hair with a black body.He has very baggy hair on his feet.On his left ear he has bite marks from a evil creature.

Pheonix:She is Latiloo's mom's cousin.She has fire wings and is a spicy hot orange,she has fur on her feet but is not a male,the fur is red to orange to yellow.She is very beautiful!


Galaxywind:Galaxywind is dark blue and has different shades of blue in his hair,He is a unicorn with two horns.He had glitter from his neck to his back feet,Their is a cup of stars on his hip and at the end of the glitter,where his neck is is a spoon full of stars.His eyes are gold.

Kitty:Kitty is a young white pony,with black hair,who is belived to be dead.She is a earth pony,who has pointy ears.Latiloo said that once she saw her in the forest as a ghost.


Well the latest story will be up soon.
 
Latiloo and Latilow

One moonlight lit night,a very powerful pegasus was flying above the sky very high.
She was holding a basket in her mouth,when suddently a powerful Unicorn apeared
out of nowhere on top of a cloud nearby.The unicorn was the Pegasus's Husband,
when suddenly he sliped through the cloud falling.The pagasus raced to get her
husband,but out of nowhere a bullet striked her.
She dropped the basket and fell to the
ground,the Unicorn was trying to capture her with his star magic,but he was falling too
fast and couldn't aim for her.He was never seen again.

The basket fell into a rosebush,in
a other pony's yard,the ponys name was Rose.
"Is anyone there!"said Rose
She called Galaxywind.
"What happened?"said Galaxywind
"Someone was in our yard!"said Rose
Then both ponys saw the basket.
"Look!"said Rose
"Young winged unicorns,that uncommon"said Galaxywind
"But the King will send the guards to kill them if we don't
hide them!"Said Rose
"I forgot that,he wants the best prince for his dauther,and
if someone tries to propose her,he will kill all young male
ponys!"said galaxywing.
"Its bad that he already chose to kill them all,unless they
can pass the test"said Rose.
"I think we should adopt them"Said Galaxywind
"Me too."said Rose
The ponys walked off to bed.


I edited the story so that if it efected anyone,
I could make it okay to them.
 
Well, first off, there are MANY spelling/grammatical errors...

Secondly, the plotline, what I can make of it (it's rather confusing), sounds like a rip of LunaCat's story. Copying other's work like that is NOT COOL in ANY situation or community.

Your adjectives are really strange. "Powerful?" What is that supposed to mean?

I'm quite a crit when it comes to things like this. I'm trying to stay real here.

And mods, don't delete this on me. Come on. You must feel the same way about this. I, personally, feel that this *is* constructive.

Edited By FantasticFirefly:
Criticism is welcome, so long as it is constructive. Some of the comments you made were rude. I have removed them from your post. Please read the sticky on critique etiquette. If you have any further questions please PM me.
 
Hm, I'm afraid I must agree with Rose.

Though, there ARE more tactful ways of getting your point across than how you did it...

Latiloo, Rose makes a variety of good points, your story was quite the challenge to read, because the grammatical errors were so glaring and common. There needs to be SPACES between words, commas, and the like, otherwise, it's a pain to read. Spaces are good, they are NOT your enemy. Also, spelling is an issue, if you don't spell things correctly, it makes your story an annoying story, because people (like me) have to figure out which there/their/they're you mean. Oh, and, exclamation points need to be used sparingly, the one at the end of your first sentence does NOT belong there. This seems more like a serious story than anything else, so using exclamation points, unless they prove a point/add effect to a sentence (Ex: I didn't know you where there!), is detrimental to the story's flow.

The plot, which is confusing, is indeed similar to Luna Cat's story, which is uncool. Unless she gave you permission to closely copy her plot, which I doubt, it's quite rude to do so.

I agree with the weird adjectives, they don't fit where they are placed. Being the queen of adjectives in my LA/SS classes, I really must say, the placement and choice of them is quite detrimental to the story's overall reading/effect.

And, the "I'll use my magic!", um, I totally agree, it is really random, and the '!', not neccessary at all.

I'm not really sure what you're supposed to be writing this for, is it serious, humorous, random, what?? When someone reads MY stories, than can tell what catagory it falls under, with yours, it seems like a misshapen serious story with exclamation points galore.

Rose, you really could be a bit softer in your criticing, saying things like "this is terribly written" and "She needs to learn to write." and "Your story was BAD.", amongst others, like the reality check statements, aren't very supportive to Latiloo, and they aren't exactly constructive words. Using a kinder, softer, gentler vocabulary when giving someone constructive criticism can often be much more helpful to them than telling them that their story was "BAD", and it can help avoid flaming, and less feelings are hurt.

So, Latiloo, if you could work on your plot, spelling/grammar/spacing, adjectives, and seriousness, your story will be much better! It shows promise, you just need to be more attentive to detail. And Rose, YOU need to be a little less harsh in your critics of others' work, that way people don't get offended. ;) BTW, I'm not taking sides here, I'm just trying to help you BOTH be a bit more successful. :D
 
Eh, you're right. >__> I was harsh.

And I agree with you entirely, Spooky. ^_^

But:

"So, Latiloo, if you could work on your plot, spelling/grammar/spacing, adjectives, and seriousness, your story will be much better!"


Edited by: Fantastic Firefly
rude comments removed (please see edit in your above reply)
 
Latiloo,

Some of the ponies here gave you some good suggestions to start with. :)

But, I also wanted to mention as others here have pointed out, that part of your story is very close to one of Lunacats comics. And some of the characters in your story closely resemble hers; closely copying another’s work isn't a good idea unless you ask permission from the author first.

Fantastic Firefly
 
Personally, ive seen many stories where alicorns are super special and rare, and there are other movies and stories in which babies are left on porches in baskets or abandoned. Maybe she was inspired by Lunacat, and her story will go in a different direction after this. I doubt she is going to copy all of her story. She just seems more inspired by the beginning of Lunacat's story.

Rose, there was a much nicer way to say what you said. Dont discourage her. Just point her in the right direction.

Latiloo, try writing it in Microsoft Word, it will help catch spelling and grammar errors for you :) Its a huge help XD!
 
Concerning the grammatical and spelling errors, maybe Latiloo's first language isn't english?
 
I've sorted things out, people. I was having a bad day and I shouldn't have let that affect my posts. My bad, my bad. I have already apologized to satinslipper and Latiloo in PMs. I'm a big meanie, I know.

If English isn't Latiloo's mother tongue, she should have found someone fluent in both languages to proof-read it for her before posting it - especially if she knew there were mistakes, which there obviously are. If I was posting a story in Japanese (which I am studying, but am not yet fluent in), I would find someone fluent in both to proof-read and point out mistakes. ^_^
 
Rose250 said:
I've sorted things out, people. I was having a bad day and I shouldn't have let that affect my posts. My bad, my bad. I have already apologized to satinslipper and Latiloo in PMs. I'm a big meanie, I know.

If English isn't Latiloo's mother tongue, she should have found someone fluent in both languages to proof-read it for her before posting it - especially if she knew there were mistakes, which there obviously are. If I was posting a story in Japanese (which I am studying, but am not yet fluent in), I would find someone fluent in both to proof-read and point out mistakes. ^_^
Click to expand...

Yeah, well. She didn't. She probably had no idea she would receieve this type of feedback, either. If English wasn't my first language and I made a post like that and got that response, you can bet I'd never make a post again for fear of offending someone.
 
It is a harsh thing to do, to mock someones story. We haven't even seen how old Latiloo is, she could be 12, she could be 22.

Some people post customs on here that aren't the same quality of some others, but you don't see people ripping the custom to shreds...
 
I agree with you, I agree with you, I was out of line. ^_^ Everything is sorted out now, though.

I didn't want to discourage Latiloo from continuing to write - trust me, you don't want to see the stuff I wrote when I was, what, eleven? Urgh. But I probably did, you're right. >__>
 
Rose250 said:
I agree with you, I agree with you, I was out of line. ^_^ Everything is sorted out now, though.

I didn't want to discourage Latiloo from continuing to write - trust me, you don't want to see the stuff I wrote when I was, what, eleven? Urgh. But I probably did, you're right. >__>
Click to expand...

That's pretty brave of you to apologise :) *hugs* i guess we all have our bad days :)

I just did an exam, typed, and god i spent about ten minutes at the end reading through it and my spelling errors were terrible! Semi colons instead of L's everywhere :)

Martha xxx
 
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