Pied Piper of Ponies
- Jan 20, 2018
My brain is stuck in a perpetual cloud of self loathing and I don’t know how to make it stop.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I have definitely been there. I call it the hamster wheel. One in my head, one for every day, and one for life. For years my head was stuck in a loop (fat, ugly, stupid, worthless). Now, today, I force myself to repeat the opposite. I still don't truthfully believe it, but I try. That's all we can do. Keep trying. Over and over again. Remember that you're not alone. I'm around if you need to talk, vent, or anything else I can do.
Every day.That's a familiar script (fat, ugly, stupid, worthless). Sadly, you do understand. How on earth do decent folk end up thinking such things? On a good day, I can intercept those negative thoughts and try to replace them with something positive, but I haven't had a good day in a long time. I hear what you are saying about trying, but trying my best never seems to be good enough
I'm struggling with my choices to fight the forces of evil or to just disappear into oblivion. Disappearing sounds so quiet and peaceful. I don't feel like fighting anymore. I want to purge my life of all the negative people, but I'd never have a job or go to any social function (again, things which sound appealing at the moment).
Thanks Skybreeze for the chat. You're a very decent human.
Part of staying in a good place right now, is to get back to my regular level of fitness and activity. I dropped off Uftaki's Secret Santa gift today and ran a quick 5k. Runner's high gives my brain a shot of happy endorphins.
I'm also going to clean up my house today and work on getting the ponies all on the shelves. It doesn't have to be perfect, but they have to out of the boxes and on shelves.
I have to clean up the whole house today as well. Thankfully, I love cleaning. My problem is always finding ways to stash and hide my excess. I'm donating a bunch of clothes and I'm not even sure what do with the masses of yarn I have hidden away.
Karaoke is on the agenda for tonight. Singing is super helpful for my anxiety. It gets me breathing better and it's super fun. My friend owns a cafe and we do karaoke late at night.
Ummm, freaking YAY EEVEE!!!! I can't wait to meet this kid. She seems super. You must be so proud. That's one thing I will miss out on with having no kids. I won't get to teach them to be good people and watch it happen. You're one heck of a lucky woman!I'm in on the karaoke! Speaking of... I had a bad day yesterday. My foot slipped, I missed the step, and it jarred up my left side so hard that my left arm was tingling all night. So, when my sweet girl brought home her report card (last day of school until next year!) it made my day! She essentially got A's in everything except algebraic thinking which was the equivalent of a B, and in music she got "several grade levels above". yay Eevee, my singing princess!