Discussion in 'Friends Discussion' started by Cactusflower, Dec 17, 2018.
My brain is stuck in a perpetual cloud of self loathing and I don’t know how to make it stop.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I have definitely been there. I call it the hamster wheel. One in my head, one for every day, and one for life. For years my head was stuck in a loop (fat, ugly, stupid, worthless). Now, today, I force myself to repeat the opposite. I still don't truthfully believe it, but I try. That's all we can do. Keep trying. Over and over again. Remember that you're not alone. I'm around if you need to talk, vent, or anything else I can do.
I know all too well how it feels. I’m sorry your going through a rough patch right now. But things will get better and your days will become brighter.
If you need to chat or text, you have my number. I always try to respond ASAP to texts and phone calls I will always return. :3
That's a familiar script (fat, ugly, stupid, worthless). Sadly, you do understand. How on earth do decent folk end up thinking such things? On a good day, I can intercept those negative thoughts and try to replace them with something positive, but I haven't had a good day in a long time. I hear what you are saying about trying, but trying my best never seems to be good enough
I'm struggling with my choices to fight the forces of evil or to just disappear into oblivion. Disappearing sounds so quiet and peaceful. I don't feel like fighting anymore. I want to purge my life of all the negative people, but I'd never have a job or go to any social function (again, things which sound appealing at the moment).
Thanks Skybreeze for the chat. You're a very decent human.
“I said what I meant, and meant what I said.” - Dr Seuss.
I am here for ya!! *big pony friends hugs all around*
[just offers all the hugs!] T_T
I did purge the toxic people... that's why I have none.
I've had an interesting couple of days and a change of heart about my SAR team. Tonight, I quit the team. While this is devastating in many ways, I feel a huge sense of relief, because in the end, I think they would have sabotaged me again and I don't want to live under the constant stress of worrying all the time. I wrote a carefully crafted email and left my equipment in the storage room. I showed up and said goodbye to one of the team members who I adore and I said I was going to my car. I got in my car, where my dear Damon was waiting to console me and I drove away.
Here's the interesting part of how today went. I woke up with a song stuck in my head. It repeated all day and kept getting louder. Here's hoping I have the gumption to get up one more time.
Another thing. I was in my car at a stop light and I read this bumper sticker on the car in front of me. I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I'm going to try my best to get my life back on track and stay outta that black hole that's been swallowing me for months.
All I can tell you is hold on. Like many here, I have almost crippling depression. I am suicidal often. Some days I just barely hang on. I put up a happy facade (especially on Facebook) to keep my family from knowing how bad I am, but often my sisters just 'know'. I like to think I'm tricking them though. Gives me a sense of accomplishment among my failures, I guess. And yet with all of it, I still think life is worth living. The struggle, the pain, the depression I'd sell my soul to be rid of... still all worth it. There's got to be more good people in this world than bad or it would be in flames. It's just that the bad people take up so much more room, they're sometimes all we see. But the world is still good and life is still worth it. Because of little slices of heaven, like this board. I'm sorry I'm not here more right now, and that I'm not much help, but this is my 'bad time' of the year, so I'll keep trying. You are loved, and worthy. And if those double dumb clucks (look how well I control my potty mouth!) in your life don't see it, you're best shod of them anyway, Cactusflower.
This rambles like a dirt road, sorry. I never make much sense when I try to be a human and do communicating.
You make perfect sense, Foo, and you are most helpful. It's such a comfort to come to a place where people truly are like minded. I don't get that much in the three dimensional world. I'm glad I just read this now. It's that time of night where everything is quiet, except my big, overactive brain. I was getting ready for bed and the obsessive thoughts were coming. Did I do the right thing? Do I regret it? Why do I keep failing at everything I do? Enough of that. I have to be really diligent for the next few weeks and intercept those kind of thoughts. I already made some inquires today for a new volunteer position with community policing. I might also check out volunteering for the mental health line. Those wonderful people have helped me when I've been having hard time and I should give back to others.
Depression is a sneaky beast. This is a terrible time of year for many people on the West Coast. The darkness and the rain can really get to you. I keep thinking I should handle it better, I've had so many years of practice. I've managed to mostly curb my anxiety lately, which is a wonderful blessing. It's currently residing in my jaw. I've been clenching again most of the day and night, but at least I've been able to restrain my thoughts from tumbling down the rabbit hole. I'm gonna call that a win. Small victories.
This morning we buried D's mom. I was glad the rain held off. It's been a long day and I'm hoping I will have some peace tonight.
<hugs to all of you!>
Any victory is still a win, no matter how small! And good on you for going out to find new ways of helping people. Getting away from those toxic folks on the other team might just lead you to a much better group of folks. I have high hopes things will turn off 100% improved for you!
We all have had a rough year. May 2019 bring us all an abundance of joy and peace.
Part of staying in a good place right now, is to get back to my regular level of fitness and activity. I dropped off Uftaki's Secret Santa gift today and ran a quick 5k. Runner's high gives my brain a shot of happy endorphins.
I'm also going to clean up my house today and work on getting the ponies all on the shelves. It doesn't have to be perfect, but they have to out of the boxes and on shelves.
I have to clean up the whole house today as well. Thankfully, I love cleaning. My problem is always finding ways to stash and hide my excess. I'm donating a bunch of clothes and I'm not even sure what do with the masses of yarn I have hidden away.
Karaoke is on the agenda for tonight. Singing is super helpful for my anxiety. It gets me breathing better and it's super fun. My friend owns a cafe and we do karaoke late at night.
You can send the yarn to me
*wispers with wide eyes*
I LOVE Karaoke.....
I too am cleaning out and moving things around today. I also need to get ponies out of shelves and displayed nicely so I don’t feel like I’m about to have an avalanche of ponies fall on me at night...
I’m happy to hear your finding things to keep you busy and your mind active on other life things.
I'm in on the karaoke! Speaking of... I had a bad day yesterday. My foot slipped, I missed the step, and it jarred up my left side so hard that my left arm was tingling all night. So, when my sweet girl brought home her report card (last day of school until next year!) it made my day! She essentially got A's in everything except algebraic thinking which was the equivalent of a B, and in music she got "several grade levels above". yay Eevee, my singing princess!
Can I just tell you girls that I love karaoke. I never did it before I was like 35 years old or something. I don't like having lots of people stare at me, but I started singing at my friend's cafe. Friday nights for a couple years. We had so much fun. I haven't been coming regularly for a few years, because I find some of the woman who go there to be obnoxious to karaoke with. Like grabbing a mic and singing over anyone else who has a mic. Anyway, I went last night to watch White Christmas and then we karaoked until nearly 3am. I need it more regularly. It's helps so much with anxiety. I think it's because I have to actually breathe when I sing and my body is so excited to get oxygen. I need to get back to yoga. I think I might be typing while I'm high.
Also, I'm listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, one of my favourites. I may or may not also be dancing around the living room. I think that's a good thing. I have a party to go to tonight and I'm trying to psyche myself up. All this socializing is exhausting and makes me a bit squirrelly. It's a fancy dress up party. I don't like dressing up fancy. I mean, I'm not super comfortable in dress clothes, although I can clean up nice. Anyway, I'm wearing my Santa Claus suit. All the women at this party I'm going to tonight are ridiculously beautiful and slim, but I can rock a Claus like nobody's business. It's probably good for me to try and socialize with the three dimensional people.
Ummm, freaking YAY EEVEE!!!! I can't wait to meet this kid. She seems super. You must be so proud. That's one thing I will miss out on with having no kids. I won't get to teach them to be good people and watch it happen. You're one heck of a lucky woman!
Aww... you are ROCKING IT in that Santa outfit!! You look great. And dancing around the living room is always a good thing (bonus points for doing it to 80s-movie-soundtracks XD Those are great to dance to. :3 But then again I am biased [lol])
You're all awesome! I dance around to '80's movie soundtracks or oldies, plus I always belt the songs out loud when I'm cleaning. My poor neighbor... she said it doesn't bother her though. At least I keep it to appropriate times.
@Cactusflower you look great in the Claus costume!